My Life? Whats next then.

Dreamily, I turned on my com and decided to click on my MDC Favourite out of routine. Drop dead. MDC Audition on the 9th of June and my achilles is still hurting like ever. Talked to Jan online whose mind was certainly not very with me on the MDC topic and so I decided to call up the company who posted the Audition date so late -.- first line. Automated machine which ended off asking me to leave a voice message. Second line. A guy picked up the phone and started off rather dazed. '... the dance MDC does is more to the hiphop genre...' My heart skipped a beat as if I saw that photo.

Seriously, what a start to my day, with tt bad piece of news. The soundwave of the word 'hiphop' just simply irks me. Just now, had a talk with Adrian online and he asked a question that stunned me a bit. 'I tot dancers dance for the sake of performing and not for the genre?' I thought back to the time when I was addicted to dance. Did I dance for the sake of dancing? I think I didnt, because I dance for the sake of the dance genres which I like very much.

My day just carried on lifelessly until I went swimming when I felt myself. Limitations to myself when I can feel it, although my achilles and ankles hurt. Gays at BV Pool is already a common sight to me, if I don't see them, I dun feel BV Pool. LOL. Now, i am starting to fell something about myself.

Later in the day is when I decided I will give the MDC Audition a miss. Even though I think Acting and dancing should be no big problem to me.

Tino came online. Saw his new pic. Decided to go frenster see see. Saw Jiawei de profile and my heart skipped a beat again. Same feeling. Went to his blog. NOW this is when I got filled with many many feelings.

His life, my life. Totally different entity. I thought to myself, as usual. Just look at the differences between our lives! Same age, but so many differences! Looks aside, appearance aside, affluence aside, just our lives! I seem to have been losing out on so many things! No doubt I do have fun in JJ, but its of totally different level!

Sometimes I am always so bounded by so many things and unable to do so many things that I wanted. Then I tell myself: my solace is in dance, something I always wanted to excel in. But nature never allows that to happen. Weight aside, I was born with feet undesired for dancing. I can tell Jan and Esther that my feet will never bother me again. I know it, my feet know it, its affect great time. why? because I cant turn with it. maybe blame it on the fact that I have not seen any dance teacher being able to dance ballet with my type of feet. thats why I got so emo when I watched Centerstage, when the girl told her mum why she did dance the principal role. Think Baoshun Laoshi. but I never learnt chinese dance and do not know who well I can excel in it. How far can I go? I see Sylvie Guillem does fantastic Don Q variations, Mikhal and his fantabulous Don Q choreography for ABT, and even the 2 Jap guys practising ballet with Juichi Kobayashi. I can imagine myself never being back to attain tt.

I always think that everyone in Nan Hua can certain dance better than me, because everyone there has natural qualities! and me? I haven never been assured on my abilities. I have missed out the most in my Secondary dance times and I cant never be the one convincing people how fun SYF can be. Thats why I want to do my best to give everyone a hell of a time at SYF trainings. How long more can I stay, helping those in Nan Hua?

There are so many more things people of my age have experienced and yet i haven. Of course, i have experienced many things that other have not too, like drowning, being thrown up into the air by my dearest dancers, being fat, having a ballet grade, controlling a life of a stage, choreographing a dance with many interesting people.

Seeing people progress with their lives make me wonder wat I have been doing with mine. Juniors going for audition for their new phase of life, people getting attached, people discovering the world, people with a colourful life!

Perhaps today is another passing emotion, desire for a different kind of lifestyle that I rarely experience.

emo. shit.