Group One Element!

Trust me. I seriously feel that I am the valence electron orbiting aimlessly around the principle quantum shell(s) now. Be it Sodium, Rubidium, Caesium whatever. The point here is not about the Group One elements but about the poor lonely valence electron orbiting round it and now, I feel that I am that poor electron!

Maybe its the transition. I have always been someone who enjoys true blissful company of friends and does not enjoy the slightest sign of distrust in me. Everything changes when I am now is other institutions studying at an higher level. Really felt that things around me made me be more used to the different kind of people and most importantly, made me realised that everyone in this world has their own path to walk, own future to catch hold of. And not everyone is like the people in Nan Hua who is willing to walk you to the bus stop and take the same bus with you home, disregarding the inconvenience. People, at this point of time in my life, does leave and enter with much ease and this is something I really dun like to see!

Thus, maybe that is why I feel the sudden surge of loneliness on the planet, as if I am roaming around like a nomad, where maybe sometimes I meet a person and after a while when things are done, they leave and I am alone again. I dun like the feeling of instability. I want to be in a stable octet structure, where no reaction can take place, be it good or bad. Newton has said it clearly in his numerous unrememberable laws that if you put in X amount of strength, the counterpart returns X amount of work back to you (This is a very lousy explanation). Therefore, I rather I dun gt too much good stuff in life, or else I will get back the same amount of bad stuff as my good stuff.

Of course, I am not saying that my current bunch of friends are lousy friends. No, thats not I mean. Perhaps I am undergoing this invisible process and my Happy-brand mask still fits onto me well. I never like to be bothered by stuff and usually I can free myself easily. Either take a stand against and things shall go my way OR I will just give in without second hesitation, as according to my instincts. I shall not blame the society and i shall not blame my parents.

Waking up everyday, hazy. Simply represents my feeling. I cant see whats in front of me, what route I should take to best make everyone ok and myself satisfied. Strangely, I do see weak points there but I still is so mad over it. Whats wrong with me. During lectures, these things comes back to me again and I transform into a hermit instantenously, again. Reaching home doesnt really solve everything. Money problem, parents quarrelling over my sister, messy house, parents infatuation with exceptionally good results, etcetc. Sleep. Thats what I need but thats what it doesnt come to me that easily. Almost every alternate night I will sleep, with my brows furrowed and fists clenched so tightly that it hurts the next day. The bad dreams are like Weather forecast, telling me that the future in front of me is bleak and to forget about it. BUT I love it so much that I wan to be with it everyday.

Nah, I know its impossible, adrian knows its impossible but maybe he is jus afriad to say directly. he knows it will never happen. And I, still want to hope for the impossible. dunno why. maybe I am looking for trouble recently ba. Therefore now i rather hope nothing good will happen. at least I am sure that anything bad that might happen wun be too bad for me. I dun need good stuff. I dun need posh car to drive me around everyday, dun need to eat super good food, dun need increment in allowance, dun need anything good. now, i am contented with my life, best with a new phone to replace my ol' sony ericsson t610. everything would be perfect. I wan to be ordinary!

Of course when i say this i do hav things i cant convince myself to put down, such as my commitments in dance. I dun deny that it has been a source of frustration since sec 1 but its benefits shld be rightfully justified. right...

And there is something which i am hotly after now. something so pure and innocent and simple and yet, its so near yet so far for me. heaven. not very fair to people like me. I have been searching through myself recently. I always thought that heaven is fair, giving people some strong points shld they be lacking in other areas. Then I think about myself. not strong in academics, no normal life, no looks, not very good in dance, then wat am i? in wat places has lao tian treated me well? i know that there are ups and downs in life. for me, ups are sparse and few.

Adrian might then go on to say how poor thing other people are out there compared to me. maybe true but no one can deny that my family hangs by a thread and maybe only I know, with my superb packaging skills.

I only want to be happy, meaning contented, having nice friends around me and me around them and that someone who truly can understand me and commits. life will be so full with someone you desire, some whom you can throw your soul into and get the same in return. someone who will not leave you in lurch when things go wrong. someone who is willing to accept who you are.